Lollapalooza: Part 4

It was starting to get dark….


I was starting to get spooked – felt this …. Fear and dread creeping in. And if I ask myself – why do I feel this….

Look what creped in from the shadows off the left of the stage---


running in the shadows …. running in the shadows. ooooooo Pale Shadow…


oooo pale shadow she’s a Dragon! ---SHHHHH-----


Rob. Rob takes a pic. In Rob’s Camera, the Zeros and One’s are huge. With Out Rob’s Camera, Big and Huge won’t mean dick.

“The line and circle are big.
On the wall, the line and circle are huge.
On the wall, the man at the wall makes a man from the circle and line.
The man at the wall makes a word on the wall, from the circle and line.
The word on the wall is my father.
The zeros and ones make the word in Robs’ camera.”

In Rob’s camera, Trent and Robin don’t wipe out.
In Rob’s camera, Riot hasn’t sweated off all her makeup.
In Rob’s camera – well are all together on the barricade.


In Rob’s camera – if we are anything at all we are all together…


In Rob’s camera we are very small… but look, we are here. Jen, Lucas, Erin and me. We are very small, we are but four fans, but we were very happy.

And because it is 2008, two minutes later, Rob –via phone - posted the photo online. Four minutes later– on someone else’s phone, we were all looking at the photo of us in the pit online – from the pit. Lovely.


This is the side Rob did not photograph. These kids were awesome. All of them born after Pretty Hate Machine, yet their enthusiasm were just incredible. This was their first show – it made me really really happy to see them here and just totally thrilled to be doing it. Fucking A – this is the next generation of fans. So you had us vets on the right, and the virgins on the left. Unreal, I did a drawing just like this. I just can’t say enough how cool it was to have them at the show. And check out the kids with the Josh Freese shirt!!! They were so happy. We kept counting down the minutes to each other….


In Trent’s camera, time is up. “Lets’ fucking do this.”


Oh my god. We feel it. Again, no words – again two girls grab each other’s hands with out even thinking and just scream.






Oh my God.



See God Riot.








Fucking insanity.






The pit is CRAZY. I can’t get a clear shot. The pit is awesome. Fucking everyone is into it - it feels great. Pits I’ve been in have been tame – just people intentionally fucking with people – hurting girls or trying to rip me off the barricade when I let go of my ambitions to cry then grab my by my tit when I won’t let go. But this crowd is cool – but for one girl who literally cries out every time someone touches her. She yells at everyone. Everyone tells her to shut up – she yells more. I try to help her. I try to tell her to stay calm and just breathe she rips my head off. I know I know I say, I’m trying to help you. She keeps screaming – her husband and her are having chats with the guards about their upcoming wedding during The Frail. I wonder why they are even here – more so I worry that when she gets pulled out, because clearly she ain’t making it – that when she’s pulled the void of her and her will kill us all.

Erin, Jen, Lucas and I are taking it like troopers as best we can but it’s hard. At some point, Jen Erin lost the barricade. The Four of us Are Dying. Seriously. I wrap my arms around the bar, but I’m being pushed back. My arm is being ripped and to be blunt my breasts are being crushed it kills but some how I take it and don’t even cry out. I’m worried about Jen and we’re all worried about Lucas. I’m trying to get Jen back on the barricade. We’re all trying to help Lucas. He’s hurting bad. Still the only one crying is that girl. “He’s touching me AAH AHHHA don’t touch me.”


I'm actually fine for the most part - this is all so amazing. I'm really happy.


The security guys are awesome. They keep bringing me water even though I tell them I don’t need it. I don’t. I’m mostly OK. One guy is really cool he offers to take my camera. But I keep fighting. I don’t want to let go. I’m worried for my drawings. They wouldn’t take our backpacks earlier. So now every object that is dear to me is beneath my feet at the bottom of the pit. I can’t get to them, so I can’t let go of the bar – If I lose my footing and step back as the crowd is forcing me to – I lose my drawings. I’ll lose Carnival… We’re all worried about the kids – we look over they’re getting crushed too.

Somehow there is a push and were mostly back where we started. The show is fucking sick. They rip through 1,000,000 Letting You Discipline… Closer AWSOME. Robin’s tearing it up – Trent is fucking killing. You can hear if in his voice, if you know enough to hear it – he’s hurting too – but he is a fighter and he fucking laces into March of the Pigs HARDCORE. As he does every song. And then the unthinkable happens--

VESSEL!


My God


Can it go any faster-


I don't think I can last here


But I do last – and so does Erin. But the guys to her right – all asked to be pulled. This song is insane. I can’t believe we’re getting to see it live. And then he says it –


I am turning into GOD.


Ghosts – and that which I’d wanted to see again more then anything else almost. The Greater Good.


Breathe. Us in. Slowly. Slowly……….


Breathe. Us in. Slowly. Slowly……….

Going under. We are going under. The flood takes us all. Pinion rises – everything goes haywire. I know it’s all over. It feels like the world is ending somehow. The awesome guard who’d been bringing me water even when I didn’t’ ask – who’d been offering to take my camera and my bag comes over. Finally I give up and give him my purse, if only I could get him my backpack but I can’t move.

The girl gets pulled – the void I feared opens up – I feel back people around me scream are you OK? I’m fine but I’m not worried about myself I fall back and I lost my bag – I have to let go. Erin and I fall back – In the sea – the flood the next thing I know – all I see is Jen’s face – sheer terror – “Carol we’re getting out –” OK they’re out – This guy appears in the wake of Jen and Lucas – are you OK. My gad – he says he’d help me if he could. He means it. What can I do? My bag is at least three people up – I have to go down. I feel around on the ground, miraculously I find it, I get back up. The guard sees me – Are you OK – I’m fine please take my bag? He does because he is a total hero. As I pass the bag with my drawings out of the pit, I literally feel as though I am passing my child off to save it.

After that, it was all awesome. Erin and I kept getting pushed back; there was only a little pain. It was like the perfect combination of getting rough in the pit but we’re still on the side barrier and get lean out get air and see him. I’m pumping my left fist – I’m screaming to him and I can’t stop smiling. It’s disgusting. But I’m so happy; I haven’t had this much fun in a pit since Fragility days.

TR gives this speech. It breaks my heart. Seventeen years. Because it has been that longs since the first Lollapalooza. His first Lollapalooza. He can’t believe he’s still alive – and he is so happy to be playing and is grateful to everyone. He is completely sincere and you can feel that…His voice is cracking, you can tell he’s having trouble with his throat all night, which makes it all that much more heartbreaking.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yLAe0diPZ2Y

I couldn't film it. I didn't have my camera. Someone else did - I found this on You Tube, and I am being bad and reposting it. I just don't want to forget...

He plays Hurt. Nothing – just everyone singing back…. He ends with In This Twilight. And I…………………………


It’s over. The kids are OK! Kids – the guys – and the woman with them – they’re OK. Best part of all – the guy with the Josh Freese shirt is given Josh’s sticks. I love it! I called out to them, but I was too far back. By then I’d lost even Erin. She’d made it through, but we’d longs since been separated.


I was destroyed.

I was destroyed and I love it.


It just…. all felt like the end of the world.


Dazed – Lucas – Jen!! I know Erin is OK I lost her but if I was OK she would have been too. I text or call Lucas and Jen. I can’t remember now – but they were OK. They got out and were already headed home. OK. OK… with that… I let go, broke down and cried.

Staggering back across the disaster of the field of debris soaked and weak. Walking slowly unable to feel my feet on the ground…unable to feel anything…just crying and…gone.

My muses speak to me – scream to me…. WHAT THE FUCK








We find each other in a field. Abby and I. She’s on acid. She’s on acid; I’m the one tripping out. I’m tripping out completely sober. Imagine if I did do drugs?


Fully I come to. We get water, we discuss what happened.


I’m full of bruises.


Most of which I cannot photograph. They’re even worse now – and they feel fucking great. I feel fucking great to have survived that show. I did not see that – I experienced that and felt it on such a hardcore level. Not just the show – the whole weekend.


And most important – Carnival – pulled up safe from the ground in the pit at Lollapalooza. Was it stupid of me to have brought it? Uh – yes. But, this drawing was special to me months ago. Beyond words what I feel for this thing now what we have survived together. TWO drawings of Lollapalooza survived it. I love my life.


I love my live. Even the Hell that you put us all through. You see it now?


I see you go through the same hell. You say you don’t want it the circus we’re in but you don’t – don’t really mean it. You don’t – don’t really mean it.

Riot, –WAKE UP!