Billings to Seattle - The 180

I took this photo from our hotel room – Billings at 5 am, the morning after the show. You see kids, this is what I call a “Dead City.” Any city – no matter how weird, cold or remote is charged with this fantastic energy. That city is alive with anticipation and joy. Once the tour has left and moved on, and everyone is left behind exhausted and emotionally spent – that place becomes a Dead City. Whether you will continue to follow the tour or not is irrelevant. The most important thing to do is to get out of a Dead City as soon as possible, don’t ask me why.


Waking up in Billings was especially painful. It was my last show. I had nothing ahead of me but the long drive back to Seattle, and then my flight home. Abby and I had to get out quickly – we had to get back to Seattle that night, I flew out at 7:30 am the next morning.

Abby took the first shift driving – she put on Smashing Pumpkins again.

Disarm you with a smile
And cut you like you want me to
Cut that little child
Inside of me and such a part of you


How can I not go to Portland?


How can I not go? All the things I was supposed to do, all the people I would not see – the band that had meant everything to me, how could I just give all that up? I spent the good part of an hour going back and forth – trying to think of a way to go now that everything had changed. Every time, I knew I couldn’t. The sculpture, the show, the money I didn’t have enough of – Abby not going…

But I wanted to so much. My mind was nearly made up, and I was nearly willing to make the sacrifice if there was any way at all…


I took my shift, and put on Abby’s copy of The Downward Spiral. Thank god she had it, I was dying to hear it. We drove as A Warm Place played – passed these mountains and the clouds – the mist at that song – there’s just no way to describe it.

We stopped for a minute, and just as I’d gotten behind the wheel – I received a text from Jen about the nin.com photo – and another unknown number, “Carol – it’s Marie – I miss you, have you changed you mind, come to Portland-“ and that did it.

I started to cry. Reptile was on – I shut off the radio and Abby and I had a long discussion, not so much a fight – there were no raised voices. She’s like my sister…so, when the end of the conversation was what I already knew – she was finished with touring. She was done with the band. I've seen it happen before, but I never thought I would lose Abby. She and I met because of the band. We bonded over being on the same level of silliness. I fully understood her need to leave, I once did the same a long time ago. Of course what I thought was for good wasn't - but thats about ten blog posts for another day. Taht day, I had to deal with the fact that I was losing Abby as my sister in doing this... I was heart broken. We didn’t say anything for over an hour.


I made up my mind. I was staying. What’s wrong with me? Was I not the girl who went for five years thinking the band would never return? The same one for whom every show after Fragility is a gift never once though possible? Had I not referred to all the people going to that show as family? I wasn’t going to miss Portland for anything.

Plus I had to stay. My being in Seattle for that week was crucial. There is nothing for me at home that won’t always be there. If I left the next day, my relationship with Abby would be based only on the band, and eventually I would lose her. I love Abby and I didn’t want that to happen. So I told her this. I re-arranged everything so that I was leaving on the 8th, and suddenly the whole world changed.


Abby and I were laughing again. Laughing at how beautiful the landscape was – at how perfect In Rainbows was – because or course she had to play Radiohead again. We laughed at the massive doughnut in her glove compartment that was so big neither one of us could eat – even to split. (To the best of my knowledge it is still in there given the week in Seattle…)


“Carol – It’s too perfect. Like, you can’t even take a picture of this!”


She was right. I tried anyway of course…because I always do…


She fell asleep. I changed my entire play list – the tour wasn’t over anymore, so of course the play list had to change. I drove forever down this road playing Zero Sum.


Zero Sum – and all of the other songs and of course they still made me think of the sculptures… It’s OK. I’d packed plaster – Part of the plan was to work on them with Paul in Seattle. I wasn’t abandoning my art at all in reality, I guess I was finally ready to face it.


I should hope I can face that – I’ve been driving through Year Zero for Five Fucking Days now!


We got back to Seattle – of course as Ghosts 28 played – and of course, as the sunset – the moon rose in a new phase.

Next post – my week in Seattle!