Cross The Desert Part 3: Lost Space and Time

It was by then 4:30. I’d wanted to hit LA around 5 or 6. Clearly, that wasn’t happening, but no matter. I still had plenty of songs left on the CD set. Still the time for fucking around had long since past.

I put a full tank of gas in the car – got back on the road and just floored it. I had no intention of stopping the car again until I hit LA…which as it turned out, wouldn't be until much, much later.


It was by then 113 degrees. I did not move. I did not turn my head, I barely even blinked. I drove strait into the sun, held my head up so as not to stare directly at it. Even still – it no longer felt like I was driving.



I didn’t really feel anything. I felt heat, it was intense, but I was in this weird Zen state. I wasn’t numb, but I wasn’t exactly feeling or thinking much. Outside the landscape was so insanely beautiful and brutal all the same. It was almost an out of body experience. Certainly out of the car. It was more like a seen out Boyle’s Sunshine. Off the Earth in a Space Ship burning close to the sun.


It was intense to say the least. There are no words really… Everyone was with me in my thoughts, but – there is still no way to explain, other then to post the play list, which, most people from this crew will understand I think. This was the section of the song list that was playing while I drove alone across the Mojave.

La Mer
The Great Below
Thomas (A Perfect Circle)
You Are (Pearl Yam)
Ambulance (TV on the Radio)
The Greater Good (live)
Orestes
Go Insane (live – Lindsey Buckingham alone on an Acoustic Guitar)
1 Ghosts I
Something I can Never Have (Still)
Adrift and at Peace (Still)
28 Ghosts IV
The Fragile (Still)
The Becoming (Still)
13 Ghosts II
Gone, Still (Still)
The Day The World Went Away (Still)
And All That Could Have Been (Still)
Lights in the Sky
Corona Radiata
The Four of Us are Dying
The Persistence of Loss (Still)
Leaving Hope (Still)
Time WILL Compress/You Thrill Me (Remix of “The Compression of Time” from FF8 & “Erotica” live)
Beside You In Time
WhiteSeeD (“Drifting” from Final Fantasy 8)
Right Where It Belongs
Has Anyone ever Written(edit)
Silence
Lonely Soul (edit)
My Weakness
Life Deleter (Vessel/TheExtreme from FF8/The Great Destroyer)
Zero-Sum
Brena
Over
Another Version Of the Truth
Exit


Ocean pulls me close
And whispers in my ear
The destiny I've chose
All becoming clear
The currents have their say
The time is drawing near
Washes me away
Makes me disappear

And I descend from grace
In arms of undertow
I will take my place
In the great below

I can still feel you
Even so far away


Seemed so perfect – visions of that place as The Great Below played – and at the climax of it, I cross the border into LA. Amazing.


Breathe... us in
Breathe... slowly
Breathe... us in
Slowly...

Everything you do,Everywhere you go,
Anything we want
Anything

Persuasion (slowly) - Coercion (slowly)
Submission (breathe) - Assimilation (us in)

Breathe... us in
Slowly...
Slowly...


And from pulling you down with me in here
I can almost hear you scream



Give me
One more medicated peaceful moment
One more medicated peaceful moment

And I don't wanna feel this overwhelming
Hostility
Because I don't wanna feel this overwhelming
Hostility


Of course I was thinking about it. How could I not? I was not obsessing over it, nor was I worried as I had said earlier. But I was thinking about… As the drive progressed more and more my focus shifted to what had lead me to do it….


1 Ghosts I ....hearing that...knowing this is what they saw...


Please
Take this
And run far away
Far as you can see
I am
Tainted
And happiness and peace of mind
Were never meant for me
All these
Pieces
And promises and left behinds
If only I could see
In my
Nothing
You meant everything
Everything to me


….I thought about him, I thought everyone… …I realized…


I tried to stay away
You know
Just in case
I've come to realize
We all have our place
Time has a way you know
To make it clear
I have my role in this
I can't disappear
Or leave you here


Watching you drown
I'll follow you down
And i am here right beside you
The lights in the sky
Are waving goodbye


I am staying right beside you


Those last songs are beyond intense. So much so, that we barely play them and we can only speak of in Euphemism.

But that last one…we do not even touch, not even in Euphemism. If the others are to be considered songs, and they are - then they are related, very much so, to his other songs. Just, set apart on a much higher plane. That said....I don’t know what to do with that last one. And if you ask me I can probably count how many times I have been able to play it, and every time was devastating and painfully surreal even still -- This time, by far was the worst....


Leaving Hope.




In that moment – Burning Heat – Oppression - Set against that landscape, not in this world anymore – What his sprit says, conveys to me… I still can’t quite come to terms with it…

Composer. His voice – is it? Him? I hear him…from somewhere… some high sector of the sky – beyond

Where are we….where are we ever?

Taken out of time…speaking from a future and a space beyond

Time Will Compress.


You are who you are
And I wouldn't want to change a thing
In spite of all the pain that love can bring
Tell me, what can I do?
I'm so in love with you

You thrill me, surround me, you fill me
You send me, you put me in a trance
You fill me, inside of me, you take me
You thrill me, you put me in a trance

All Over Me
All Over Me
All Over Me
All Over Me


God knows youre lonely souls
God knows youre lonely souls
God knows youre lonely souls
Yeah, yeah


I believe theres a time and a place
To let your mind drift and get out of this place
I believe theres a day and a place
That we will go to, and I know you wanna share.


Theres no secret to living (theres no secret to living)
Just keep on walking
Theres no secret to dying (theres no secret to dying)
Just keep on flying.

Im gonna die in a place that dont know my name
Im gonna die in a space that dont hold my fame.

God knows youre lonely souls
God knows youre lonely souls.

I believe theres a time when the cord of life
Should be cut, my friends (cut the cord, my friend)
I believe theres a time when the cord can be cut
And this vision ends (let this vision end).

But Im gonna die in a place that dont know my name
And Im gonna cry in a space that dont hold my fame.

Walking in the cold
Just keep on flying


And I guess I just wanted to mention, as the heavens will fall,
We will be together soon if we will be anything at all.

Shame on us, doomed from the start
May God have mercy on our dirty little hearts
Shame on us for all we have done
And all we ever were. Just zeroes and ones


and you know you're
gonna lie to you
in your own way

Perfect timing – the more “Up” set shifted in when I reached the outskirts of LA - and need to navigate. Fuck.


and you know you're
gonna lie to you
in your own way

and you don't need the light
to guide you though this

know know too well
know the chill
know she breaks
my siren

NEVER was one
for a
prissy girl
coquette
call in for
an ambulance
reach high
doesn't
mean SHE'S
holy
just means
she's got a cellular
handy
almost
brave
almost
pregnant
almost in love "VANILLA"

NEVER was one
for a
prissy girl ---


All I want is to breathe [I'm too thin]
Won't you breathe with me?
Find a little space, so we move in-between [In-Between it]
And keep on step ahead, of yourself.

Don't you miss it, don't you miss it.
Some 'a you people just about missed it!
Last time to make plans!
And I'm a tumbler...
I'm a Government Man.


Never seen anything like that before
Falling bodies tumble 'cross the floor [Well I'm a tumbler!]
When you get to where you wanna be [Thank you! Thank you!]
When you get to where you wanna be [Well, Don't even mention it!]

Oh, Take a look at these hands. They're passing in-between us.
Take a look at these hands
Take a look at these hands. You don't have to mention it.
No thanks. I'm a Government Man.


Wait - Pasadena exit onto 210 W? OK....why do I feel like I should have done that by now....


Enchanted...you thought you saw something in my eyes
Enchanted...it's a shame that you wanted me...
You didn't try...
Enchanted...wo it's just a voice thru the night
Enchanted...well I hope you make it...


You were gone...you were gone from me
When I remember someone...I remember their dreams
In those dreams...that no one knows of
My destiny says that I'm destined to run...

Enchanted...Ooo...you thought you saw something in my eyes
Enchanted...it's a shame that you wanted me...
You didn't try...
Enchanted...well it's just a voice thru the night
Enchanted...well I hope you make it...

Enchanted...well...I hope you make it
Wo...wo...wo
I hope you make it


#9B/ Imperial Highway onto I-105 West? What? Fuck...oh fuck which way are the exits going. Fuck fuck...Oh thank fuck, they're going down...


Make it easy
Make this easy
it´s not as heavy as it seems
Wrapped in metal
wrapped in ivy
paint it in mint ice cream


I hit Imperial Highway...

cross the street from your storefront cemetary
hear me hailing from inside and realize

i am the conscience clear

Wait - which way? The Detail Map I have for the hotel to the venue makes sense, I feel like I should be seeing these streets by now...



As was to be expected, I was totally lost. It was by then 9 PM (Santa Fe Time) I’d been on the road since 5 AM, and I had been driving straight with out a break since 4:30 – not to mention the intensity of having listened to all those songs while I did. So – needless to say I was a little losing it at that point.

Let me try to explain. As was discussed in earlier postings, I’m not really a very confident driver. But over those two days, I learned how to do 90 with out blinking, and by the time I was lost and stuck in LA traffic, I’d learned how to become an aggressive driver as well! No serious, I was screaming dodging cars it was funny!

I stopped for directions no less then 4 times. You can imagine the site, of this little shaken girl, looking all post-pit drenched near weepy staggering into Starbuck – “Um, I’m totally lost, where am I?” I musta looked a fright! No seriously, I wish I had photos or video of THAT so you could all have a good laugh at my ridiculousness. But I have to say; everyone who helped me was SO nice! People offered to give me their cell phone numbers in case I got lost. Again, I’m so blown away by how nice people can be. (I’m from New York…lets just say it’s not like that there so much.)

So I get back out on the road – and I don’t have as many pics at this point because I was beyond frantic. CD was over. Now driving with TV on The Radio, Staring at the Sun demo version in my head. AMAZING song. Do you think it helped though? No – I was FREAKING out – screaming in my car. It was by then 10 PM my time, I’m flying down the high way about to run out of gas screaming freaking out – finally FINNALY I start seeing names of streets I’d read on my Yahoo Map! I Saw SIGNS FOR THE FORUM! The VENUE!

I got off at my exit – I stopped – I got gas – finally after all day of not finding it – I found my favorite sugar free flavored water – I was a happy fucking girl. My nerves were completely destroyed and I was still utterly nuts – but I was happy – al be it Violently Happy!


Look! I made it! 11 PM Santa Fe Time. 5 AM I started driving – 18 hours later I made it. Deliriously I made it up to my room – and took a very lengthy shower.


Look – I don’t know if you can tell from this photo. Obviously I look freaky – but all the veins on my chest turned bright red. I wasn’t sunburn but my gross veins were all burn red. I looked like something out of an episode of the X-Files. It was weird.

So – what did we learn from all this… Well, Riot is not so good with Yahoo directions when she is driving in LA at least. Riot is surprisingly good with maps. Always bring maps for future shows….

As to everything else, all my life altering revelations and how my place in all this was spelled out for me…. Holy shit it was late! I needed to get some sleep – I had to get ready for NIN Line Drama & The LA Show!!! So with that – I packed some shit and passed out.

Tomorrow – Part 1 of the LA Show!!