Into The Void

Winter


Where the fuck were you?

Green?
Cummy?


?


No I was someplace else. The Chan, was a world unto itself.....


Would I were it would not have mattered.... the band was long gone.

Long gone and silent as the snow and frigid nights that followed one after another. Silence upon silence and no one was talking.

They had gone and left for Europe, Australia - Japan... but when would they tour The States. We'd waited so long. So long. And now had to face the long dark of winter with out word from above.


Waiting. Waiting with out Twitter. Waiting with out a constant stream of updates. No photo blog, no live streams, HD video did not exist. Not a word was spoken or typed across the sea to us.

When word came - it did not come from him, but from Rob. And his words were brief at best.

We were not complaining. We thought we were. We thought we complained as bitterly as the cold outside - but it was nothing to the bitching now from those who have more then everything. Oh we were displeased - but there it was again. We elevated it all to such a status. We had the fear of god, we spoke out - but when we did so there was such an art to it. Euphemism upon euphemism. The words we used then were so carefully chosen, we functioned as if in Victorian Society. For all we had was language.

But I always had to be a punk, I did not know when to hold my tongue or my fingers, and that is when I began to falter.


Sarcasm.


But in the face of such strange beauty - as when they began to drift back to us.


I still remember.


It’s not so complex. I just loved the band. We all did, we all do.


Winter is almost over....


Signs of life - are you ready? ....we have all waited so long...


It's About Time Lily.


This photo, all of them, for the past nine years have meant everything to me... and not just for the obvious reasons.


"...it sounds like a garden under a sheet of ice..."


That too, but these were all taken on April 9, 1999. Just days before - THAT day.


That day - April 12


And there it is. April 12 - Cleveland. The first day of the tour.


"It's all coming back to you."


"And the days go by like a strand in the wind..."


Fly -


He says "Tonight!"


All of us - outside the Arena. We watch Robin walk in - I look down as he does - I wave - he waves back. Oh my god!


All of us hanging inside talking to Rob and Keith. Oh that was nothing then, he'd just be out every night. He was just a kid then as were any of us. I saw Jerome at the side of the stage. He signed my ticket! In under an hour night - I'd gone from never having met a band member to almost having met two.

The boy keeps joking "Convocation Center - Lets convocate over here." Oh there was quite a bit of convocating...


In the pit - My first pit mind you. I hear - dear god, I hear A Perfect Circle for the first time. The Hollow - there are no words.

We're waiting - I look over in the crowd, I'm five heads back just off center. "Carol," I look over about five people to the voice calling me - "Lev" I call back. We reach our hands out - just close enough, I grab his hand he grabs mine, he pulls me over now I'm dead center.

The New Flesh starts to play. We freak out. He looks down at his watch - he tells me they'd been playing that prior to taking the stage. "Six minutes' he says. We're freaking out. Five people back. We can't push forward anymore. The New Flesh - dear god. to this day - I can't hear it - or anything off Mer De Noms for that matter with out this pang from within - standing right back on that floor feeling that fucking crashing insane anticipation - and dear god -

PINION!

I rip forward through the crowd. Two heads back - - - - -

NAILS!


So there you are. I was dying. Dying. Pits now pale in comparison. That and being a few heads back, I nearly died. Literally, I would have passed out.... had I not gotten one of his water bottles! Oh it wasn't that special back then. I still have it, I still cherish it, but he threw them out left and right back then. I almost made it through, but I passed out just after The Mark has been Made. Two sweet guys from behind me, I heard one say, "That’s not a good place to die." He and his friend picked me up and passed me to the front.

I stumbled out of the pit - still clutched that water bottle mind you. I found the first familiar figure in the crowd - incidentally the tallest, and passed out at meatheads feet. He laughed at me - rightfully so and dripped water on my head.

Just to point out, I survived longer then the boys.


This is everyone after the show.

I think I can legally post this, since it was not I who first posted it.

Jesus Christ can we all laugh at my hair and - and dear god what am I wearing!? Disregard the others in this photo, they are innocent. And if they look a fright, you must forgive them that as well, they have been through a war zone, the likes of which newer fans I fear have missed out on... Awful as it is, I'm glad this photo was taken when it was -

What's -
shhh don't -
don't say it.
don't even think it.

don't think.

the sun is
the sun is
the sun is
the sun is

45 minutes? (Sshhh shut the fuck up)

Uh...yeah I think so yeah?

After that the sky turned purple and we don't talk about it.


Oh my god, I just noticed my boots in another photo from that night. Yes these are the SAME ones I still wear to shows! God. look how shiny and nice they were nine fucking years ago. That’s it, I'm ordering those new platform boots tomorrow! Screw how much they cost.

Oh god, my poor old boots. Poor everything....9 years ago now I can't take it.

OK, I might do one more Fragility Post soon.

Fragility

Yeah, I’m going there.

Consideration given to recent Twitter Codes of Conduct, evidently, one can discuss - no matter how horrid the subject - just about anything, and constantly I might add. As such, I have decided to go ahead with my Series of Fragility Posts. Gods fogrive me...


Random Grid. Old School nin.com when it first launched in Early Summer of ’99.

The internet was different then. We did have MySpace, Facebook or YouTube. There were no photos, status updates or playlists. All we had was our words. The whole nature of discussing the band online was different. Far much more use of careful and precise language. Back then – there were things one simply would not talk about. We barely even spoke around them in euphemism.

I of course ran my mouth off at times and would get into trouble. But even that considered – the things people say NOW - People back then would have been shocked. Fans who didn’t have to live through Fragility have no idea the level of respect and fear we had for TR and the band back then. These were not subject’s to be laughed at in the photo shop thread as they are now. The way TR mocks himself – and is mocked so openly online would have been a sin one did not even think to commit (Unless of course you were meathead, and even he held back in those days).

There were many times in 2000, that I was frustrated by all the restrictions on speech we held so dear. Only now, do I fully understand the reasons for the discretion. It wasn’t an act of Elitism of Exclusion as I once though t it was. We spoke in such ways because at that times, - The band – he – the songs – were all held as Sacred.


You will have to forgive the fragmented way in which I write this. It is the only way. I still hold these things as sacred – if not more so now.


Back in Summer of 99 – Random Grid was just that. A random Grid with even more random links to weird photos or loops of sound. The evolving sound loops we would learn – were fragments of The Day The World Went Away. The tiny Thumbnails which would zoom out a bit every few days, would turn out to be extreme close-ups of the Halo 13 cover – or aborted covers. Others were tiny thumbnails – shots of the studio like this one.

And then there was the Message Board. Oh Duane Fogg. That’s another story for another time…


Everything was so distant and shrouded in mystique back then. The website in the old days we not a community oriented meeting place as it is now. It was a strange, frustrating puzzle – some mysterious person would – three times over the summer – post a few words, all in code and acronyms to tell us what was going on – though he did not say much. We would later learn this was Rob, but back then no one knew Xott was working for nin.com.

Now you have a nightly update from TR where he admits to his most embarrassing oddfuck behaviors – back then he was a Distant Icon. You have NO idea.


Back then, all we had was Leviathant and Evan Moore to tell us what the fuck was going on. And even they still didn’t know much about the new record we had all been DYING and waiting for – for over FIVE YEARS.

Until The Night came. Someone got their hands on an advanced copy of THE Rolling Stone Interview. Where TR – for the first time discussed the record! We all waited on pins and needles in The Chan for him to Transcribe the article and scan the photos! That’s right, no one had even SEEN a photo of him in years since he had cut his hair. YEARS – no iPhone constant updates from his perspective kids – we didn’t even know what he looked like! God I forgot! We’d heard he cut his hair – oh back in 98 maybe, a blurry photo circulated around the net – but we really didn’t even know what he looked like. It’s so funny to me now.

Oh memories. I can remember – I was on my knees typing with the others. And you have to understand – you think I’m giddy now, I was still a teenager – we all were – we were the kids who couldn’t sleep waiting for Santa when that male user, maybe it was TekNoLust I don’t remember – was typing up the article! I remember us giggling to each other digitally as it came up – “Ripping off Billy Joel” and then finally he posted it –


And yes – this is totally embarrassing, but I PRINTED the article – hung it on my door and yes – that does say “There Is a God.” – that being in reference to the fact that FINALLY – that record which we had waited a lifetime for – had a NAME and a release date!

The Fragile.


I remember the rest of that summer so well. Watching the subtle, daily evolution of Random Grid. Chatting in #nin99. I remember when The Day The World Went Away was finally released! I had it on every format – two days before its release back when my local record shop was still open – I was the happiest girl in the world.


At that time I was working at a local nursery – out back with the other kids pricing Christmas ornaments. As you can see from the pics, we did a fair amount of goofing off. I could write four blogs on the Chad and The Plastic Deer Jokes…. But - It was so great and liberating. I hadpreviously been on register – inside where we had to listen to the horrid tapes they had for the store. Out back, we played K-Rock, before it sucked. I remember hearing Bliss for the first tiem on the radio. Chris Cornell when he first when solo. Yes Chris Cornell. Halo played, Starfuckers of course – but most importantly – they kept playing the Steele Drums live version of Jane Says. Of course I’d known the song previous – but for whatever reason, it grabbed me then. It was one of those – "The Song Chooses You" - moments.

Jane says -
Have you seen my wig around!?


That there’s Jeremy. And there is the blessed radio by his head I believe. So Jane Says and I – when we heard THE Announcement. Nine Inch Nails was going to play the MTV Video Music Awards on 9/9/99. –Not only that – it was to be held at The Metropolitan Opera House at Lincoln Center. Which I had fallen in love with a year earlier as one of the most beautiful spots in all of NYC.

Oh my god. Myself and another guy from The Chan – both being in NY – decided to go wait outside on the day of. Maybe we would see the band walk in or something – who cared – they were playing it was going to be awesome. I decided the whole thing was so massive – and what with it’s being at the Met – I should wear something special. Perhaps I should – I thought, make that Pretty Hate Machine Dress I thought of a year earlier. So PunK and I decided to go, to wait outside– and I got to sewing.


One night – and this could be any night in the Chan, we were all collectively watching Letterman and discussing new shit. Meathead and I were likely trading dumb sound clips. See at that time, I was far better behaved and meat and I still got along. So I said – or rather, I typed to him, Hey meathead, you should come to the VMAs. And I sent him pics of the gorgeous building lit up at night. You know figuring he’d say no. And he was like yeah. Why not. Then for some reason, I’m not sure why, I typed to the LeviathanT – you should come too. And he said. OK. So that was shocking, neither of them were even in NYC. But there we were four kids – THAT excited about a band and a record we were all just going to go – and wait outside all day. Of course we tried to win tickets, of course you DREAM but….


But. But. I’m still reeling and it was over 9 years ago. Don’t ask me how. Miracles do happen…. Oh kRock. Oh MTV…


They happen and I still have to look at the photos to believe it. Because how could such a wild childhood fantasy – so far beyond attainability come true. Seriously.

Thank you god. Thank you whatever force…. But it… some how really happened.


We all met for the first time. Can you imagine meeting people from the internet? I was scared to death. The three boys – all of whom are innocent – were really nice. Guess what we talked about over lunch.

I had another amazing experience then just after that. We left TGI Fridays we wanted to walk past Rupert’s Deli and the Ed Sullivan Theater. Everyone loved Letterman – remember hoseycow? I said to the boys – I wish we could see Biff. We walked past Rupert’s – there he was. And who do you think we saw afterwards? Yep. It was the best day ever!

Ever.


Oh god, I just remembered, “Seat Fillers,” I shouldn’t say too much about the boys. They are innocent and should be left out of this but – They were so sweet and chivalrous with me. Remember now, I’m walking around NYC in a damn Pretty Hate Machine Dress! The boys didn’t walk with me through construction zones and even shielded me from lecherous cops!

-Oh god – I almost forgot – the boys kept getting mistaken for a band! And then when I was with them in that ridiculous dress it kept happening! All the boys had long hair and people came up to them and asked -


“Are you Collective Soul!” Oh dear god…

Thank god they got asked that before I showed up.

Collective Fucking Soul. I love it.


I dreamed one day – of standing on That Terrace. I dreamed it, but I never thought it possible. But there we stood, and watched the processional of Pop Stars, Bands walk into the Opera House. We saw fucking DAVI BOWIE AND IMON for god sakes. Now I think if you look REALLY REALLY hard in a few split seconds you can actually see us on the balcony behind Kurt Loder on the footage. You know, we had to tape all the Pre-Show festivities since SOMEONE was to be interviewed that night! We missed it obviously.

Obviously we couldn’t take photos from inside. Big No No. We sat up in Family Circle. Way in the back to the left. Yeah kids – no rail – do you think we cared!? My god, it was the coolest most incredible thing ever. God I think meathead and Lev were in the last row. That didn’t matter, when Nails took the stage – they were standing up at the railing of Family Circle. PunK and I (I’m not using real names, they are innocent) – we stayed back. I don’t know why. We were too scared. God we were surrounded by kids whole come to see Brittany and Backstreet Boys. I think we were the only ones standing during THE performance, but - That’s fucking tragic.


I just realized, I said I’d be fragmented in my writing but – so much is coming back to me. Should I? OK – I’ll describe the performance and our reactions in detail.

So. Mind you we’re up there. And we’re waiting for the one act to come out. I know at one point some random band was introducing or giving out an award. For no reason other then to be silly I SCREAMED “Nine Inch Nails,” Shit it was loud too, but you know, tryignt o represent for the man. It was super ridiculous, and yeah you could hear it on the broadcast. I actually have an MP3 of it. It’s retarded and makes me laugh, but I digress...


So, We’re playing with our silly SWAG – we’re laughing at the Jennifer Lopez and Ricky Martin Jokes because we are SO over all that. Silly kids we were . I think at this point, the other two were out at the bar. I’d asked security when You Know Who would be playing. They said the Seventh Act. So I knew during that one commercial break that the time had come.

The crew started rapidly setting up. I’m telling the boy – it’s not. He thinks we have one more commercial to go. No - it’s a Nails Set! Look at the Amps I say to him, he starts to believe me – then he freaks out at that Glorious Gold Glimmering Sacred Thing

“It’s the Les Paul – It’s the Less Paul!” He starts screaming. He’s freaking out at the sight of Robin Finck’s Gold Les Paul. And rightfully so. Now he is panicked that the other two are still out at the bar – should we go get them? We’re afraid to leave and get locked out – but eventually we see those two appear just in front of us at the rail. And no, we don’t join them all those fifteen rows closer. I don’t know why, we did debate it, but at that point, and when we were the only ones standing – what it matter. We were freaking out so bad anyways.

Jesus Fuck. TR walks onstage. Now at this point mind you – he is behind an opaque curtain much like the one on the With_Teeth Tour. You can make out his form you know it’s him – but fucking all this other crazy shit is going off onstage.

OK. Now. TR has to perform this thing – at a time when the world weighed on him asking HIM to come back and save Rock. See it wasn’t just Nails fans that waited breathlessly for The Fragile – The entire Industry it seemed had pinned all of their hopes on him. Now here is this man, this wonderfully talented – but shy man, who we know gets nervous at such times – and who fucking wouldn’t be. He is standing on the stage – waiting to play for MTV – hostile territory at that time. When he left the scene. Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains and Nine Inch Nails ruled the world. They had then been all but deposed by Brittany, Ricky Martin and Backstreet boys. So Now TR has to overthrow that with this one record and this one performance.

I was fucking nervous for him.

And now you have to understand what was happening On Stage in front of him! Madonna. Fucking Madonna was accepting some Lifetime Achievement Award. And now I’m just – Freaking out. Before Nails, before anything. There was Madonna. I watched the fucking Blond Ambition tour VHS my sister in law taped for me off HBO Every fucking day of my life in my formative years. I had all her damn tapes – I loved Madonna. I still do – and I did then – but now, there are both my fucking idols onstage. I can’t scream for Madonna – I’m afraid I’ll freak out Trent if dear god he hears me. I can’t not scream for Madonna – she’s getting some Lifetime Achievement thing I’m dying inside. Dying.

So that insanity ends and now there is just TR – who mind you, the entire time was just frozen in this one position. Behind the scrim just feet behind the chaos I can see him just frozen, gripping his mike for dear life so it seems hiding behind his arms. He never once moves.

The stage clears. Its time!

Oh god – we’re about to burst. Fucking Johnny Depp – Johnny Fucking Depp of all people comes on stage and gives the shortest – most pointless introduction ever – and that’s it Nine Inch Nails are on!!

The song starts.


Shell shocked.


Several measures go by before we even notice.

“It’s a new one! It’s a new song!” He keeps screaming. It was! Holy fuck – we were all expecting WITT! What the hell was this, “It’s a new one!" He cries out lighting speed because that boy talks a mile a minute

“I know P! Shut Up!”

And TR sings “Fragile” Oh God it’s The Fragile. The Fragile - The Four of us are Dying.

"It's The Fragile!"


Oh God. Oh god that lighting rigs above his head. (And obviously these are not my pics. That was still pre- digital camera/relaxed camera policy days)

Why, God have they not used it again to this day I will never know. The tragedy - that it was only used once – when only so few of us saw it because it did NOT translate on TV. The light just crackled. It was the weird florescent ones – ones one would not use onstage – they gave off the look of lighting to him and the other band members. This crazy twisted rig that hovered above his head moving slowly – it was the best thing ever.

Please if anyone knows who was responsible for that set up – let me know. I mean it. If you know anything about it – contact me.


To this day I have only watched that performance two or three times. I play the MP3 always but I do no want to see the video. I remember everything. The feel of my black wooden high heels on the red-carpeted floor. The drastic angle at which we looked down to the band – and the spark of those lights – god it was everything.

And he screams at the end oh he screams and yes we heard him laugh – but his cries. That song was – and always will be – one the best songs of all time.

Nails destroyed. And that was it. The show was over. Sure it was only one third in, but we were done. We laughed as we left – and The Four Of Us headed to the lowest floor where all the VIPs hung out not watching the show but drinking in the lobby.


After the show – some other goofy funny shit happened, but I have rambled too much. Nothing too massive. Just jokes you had to be there for. Like us seeing Donald Trump and the guy who asked Lev to take a photo of him with Trump. Gavin from bush… We met another fan, whom shall remain nameless, though you know I love him. And mind you a big part of why I love him is from that night and The Duane Fog Boards.

No, I mean it. Not even joking.

I’m in a good mood today – and an even better mood after reminiscing over all that. I am SO grateful to that whole experience. One of the best nights of my life….

Thank you for reading… More Fragility Posts soon.


*Just to Clarify. I very much so enjoy TR’s Twitter, and I am far more fond of his openness now in the long run. Grandma Riot is just Old Fashioned and not used to all this honesty from the man I am so used to admiring from afar and fearing. Constant updates on his need for hoodies or taking of certain pills is a bit much for to take, for I am frail and faint of heart in my old age.